the voice

"May I speak to xxxx xxxx please?" came a caller from the Minnesota Orchestra Marketing personnel just a few minutes ago...

"Yes, speaking."

"Oh... perhaps I'd like to speak to your mother, instead."

"What does this concern?"

"Oh, perhaps it is you. I am sorry. I am......" continuing her spiel on whether I'd like to do an over-the-phone purchase of concert tickets.

i am sorry. i hate this phone-marketing business when people know that one can go online to check on concerts, that i get brochures sent to me, and that if i really wanted to i will make an effort to seek out concerts i like or think i might enjoy. the fact that i haven't been visiting the Orchestra Hall either speaks of my time-commitment elsewhere, or that the programmes offered are just not my cuppa... if truth be spoken, it's the latter. i simply detest the fact that businesses often choose to invade your personal space in the most direct and unpleasant way.

i am getting better at hanging up on these marketing people. it took me less than a minute, despite her desperate attempts, in part aware that she's offended me.

yes, i know i don't have the most adult-like voice out there... it is not necessarily a voice that commands authority... but it is my voice.

... i guess if my mummy had to learn it the hard way... everyone else, including me, myself, and i, will too.

grrr.

today's horoscope...

i've always had a benign curiosity for all things cosmological... my mummy is quite well-versed in deciphering chinese astrological almanacs but i am no where near capable of figuring out my own destiny. Google's web-tools offer a myriad of little gadgets like a daily horoscope reading that i subscribe for free, which allows me, on occasion, to derive some musings or solace for things not-going-so-well...

Daily Horoscope for Gemini By Rick Levine [from Tarot.com]
Tuesday, January 8, 2008

You are probably concerned with serious matters today, which can lure you past the lighter issues that typically interest you. Maybe you missed something or maybe you just got it wrong and now get a second chance. Reconsider what in your life is most valuable to you. Be practical, for you could be required to live with your current choices for a while.

this is slightly freaky... is there a voyeurist out there or have i got a virtual guardian angle? hmm... let's hope i do get a second chance.

feeling the butterflies...

i have been fiddling with a couple of entries describing the various things i've tried to do to occupy my 'rambling', wandering mind since i submitted my crazy monster of a phd thesis nearly 2 weeks ago on a friday... but all of them are pretty much less than half-baked! it almost seemed like my mind's buzzing and yet determined to avoid all things involving stringing thoughts into a coherent whole. i apologize if this entry is gibberish... but i thought i needed to at least attempt to coax myself into being focussed again... for there's still the dreaded oral examination that will supposedly determine my worthiness of being an official 'arm-chair philosopher'... who would have thought that the apparent descriptor that's often times indirectly assumed by people engaged in a bit of reflection and pondering required official verification?! hmm?! baaaah.

i get all nervous and weak thinking of the impending grilling against which i'll have to provide my independent defence... and now i wish i didn't write all that 200 pages of *crap* or *scientific garb*... eeks. now there's a million of possible ways i could be attacked! HELP! where are the portable rabbit-burrows?!?!?

alas! my poor brain does not wish to deal with all that it had to address in the last 2-3 months; intense integration of ideas, thoughts, etc., the perpetual need for intelligible word-spewing, and the editing marathon that seemed never-ending... boy was it a crazy whirlwind! maybe i do need a break! sigh... what a dilemma!!!

in a FIT

that would be quite a cool vanity registration plate won't it? and i could say i'm "in a FIT" !!! ... *giggles*

i hope to get to test-drive this spiffy-looking car tomorrow... not that i can really afford it but ... am curious after all the raves about it... hmmm i do like a hatchback... and small-ish car... with great functionality and mileage efficiency... and something i could do my parallel parking without too much misery! ...yeah i am hopeless! but it's getting better, really... =)

gosh, i am so green about car-buying/leasing... but will check out some options at a dealership or two tomorrow... eeks. oh well... at least i get to zippy-zip in the hourcar Prius for a bitty and hopefully there will be time to stop by at a TARGET! for some grocery etc. and United Noodles for some treat =)

and if the car-buying jazz fades out eventually (which isn't unlikely)... there's still the bus and bicycle and the hard-core yours truly who's tough enough to brave another wretchedly evil mid-western winter... sigh.

back to editing !!! arrrrgh.

i don't get the tipping 'culture' in the US of A

i really don't. i've never really tipped anyone for offering their charged service before visiting and living in the US of A, with the exception of visiting a developing country. i don't like tipping when you're already charged for a service. but it's the norm here and i keep doing it wrong... or so it seems to me. you pay on top of your bill (which includes taxes) another 15% or more for the services at a restaurant here, and possibly also for a cab-driver. it was made to my awareness the other day that you tip 25% at a hair-dressers... and i was and still am APPALLED! no way am i inclined to pay another 25% for haircuts in the US of A when i don't get the nice services that a typical hair salon in Edinburgh would offer e.g. a spot of tea and chocolatey biscuits with a hair-wash and cut, and i don't even have to tip! over here, you get a dry cut for a lot less without any additional service (unless you request and pay for them) at places like cost-cutters. for a more up-scaled hair-pampering, the Aveda salon charges ~2.5-3x the price of a cost-cutters hair-cut and offers more pampering... but i am obliged to add a tip on top of the somewhat exorbitant price. do the people in service here really earn so little such that tipping is required? in europe, it seems derogatory to tip. a service IS service... and you tip on the rare occasion, e.g. in a very fancy resto. that you've thoroughly enjoyed yourself. in singapore, service charges are included so you don't pay extra; assuming that the people offering you their service benefits from it. hmm.

can someone make me feel better about the tipping 'culture' in the US of A? or share your views on tipping?!

... i wish too that they would include the taxes in their prices at stores and supermarkets here and break it down on the receipt... like most other places in the world! i wish too that the electrical plugs in all countries were the same... or that we drove on the SAME side of the road, or that we understood each other despite linguistic and cultural barriers... or that we agree on not having to tip... =)

cowardice of violence

i have an unconfirmed subjective hypothesis that unaddressed issues often return to taunt and haunt one's conscience... this seems to apply micro-scopically... meso-scopically... and macro-scopically etc.

when violence is used as a means to end confrontation of real issues... it offers no resolution... and often more suffering and hatred. we just don't seem to learn?!?!?... or that the survival of the fittest gene is just too potent compared to the altruistic cousin? and more generations of sacrifices are needed to rid that once-useful (?!) mutant?!

in any case... we can't just keep watching and do nothing?!?! this is so vexing... =(

-- more on Burmese situation...

the world is getting smaller... virtually.

i've been quite intrigued by this Facebook-thingie... i have to admit i have only just gotten into it... there have been similar earlier morphosis and invitations from friends which i have literally ignored... because i wasn't sure what it was all about and how much you might expose yourself to... but there's much development in the privacy... it's quite a fascinating idea... you feel that at times you are less than 6-degrees apart from someone you hardly know! it's quite a bizarre... !!!

aside from the networking or rather re-networking in my case, the applications within the website are real fun! i particularly love the graffiti application which lets you be as creative as you want... (here are some of my graffiti-doodling)

and the newly updated version would play back your graffiti-creations too... hey! and you could play games (like scrabble, build a collaborative story, share pictures etc.) with friends who are physically far away... or toss them an idea or two etc. or a sheep!!... best of all, i've found so many old school friends that i've lost contact with since i left singapore for the uk when i was barely 17! just like this wee blog-space... the facebook has really brought me closer to others, albeit virtually... i think it's a wonderful and evolving tool... and i think it's absolutely brilliant! =)

PS just be a little careful with things you share... not just in Facebook... it's sad that one never knows who can be trusted these days. (thanks to anm for the link)

an excuse for a break... here's a list:

THREE --- i've been tagged
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3 things that scare me:
going blind; or losing any functionality of being
violence & darkness...
losing my freedom / or the feeling of being trapped.

3 people who make me laugh:
ANM, Ulli, Des
calvin&hobbes (they don't really count but they are funny!)
mummy (at times)

3 things I love:
nature: the hills, mountains, the sand, sea, wind, snow, sunshine... etc.
exploring cultures, places, food, arts, history...
learning

3 things I hate:
feeling incompetent and hopeless
disorganised clutter and mess
losing my independence

3 things I don’t understand:
why humans could never really live together and accept that we are all different and have our needs
why we haven't found a way to resolve conflicts and differences other than the use of violence, war, and psychological trauma.
why we are inherently insecure beings

3 things on my desk:
a wee moleskine pocket weekly notebook
a glass jar of FIREWOOD scent HENRI BENDEL candle
a phamplet listing of performances organised by the Chopin Society of Minnesota

3 things I’m doing right now:
converting binary data into matlab files on linux server remotely / tidying up files / programming scripts to redo analyses... =C(
contemplating what i need to put down on my food&grocery shopping list & what to have for dinner
contemplating if i should call and sign-up for DSL or internet-cable... (yes i am still a frugal dial-up user! how sad.)

3 things I want to do before I die:
find somewhere i could call home... while still being able to explore parts of the world...
write a non-fiction
set up a wee overacuppa teahouse/cafe even if it might just end up being my wee little abode where friends and family could pop over for cultural/artsy chill-out experiences etc.

3 things I can do:
bake a NewYork cheese cake drizzled with homemade blueberry sauce
dance to my heart's content, when nobody is watching...
navigate better than most of my male friends and get them where they want to go!

3 things you should listen to:
gut-feelings and conscience
constructive criticisms
any music or sound that comes from the heart, mind, and soul...

3 things you should never listen to:
words of those who are uber confident and judgemental OR those who are desperate to please
SNORING
propaganda

3 things I’d like to learn:
to listen to my instincts/gut-feeling more
to play the cello more beautifully...
to communicate better

3 favorite foods: (i have to 'expand' the theme of 3 here... because i love so many different types of food!)
Asian -- too many delicious stuff.
GOOD quality (dark) chocolates and truffles and i would add panna cotta to this list of desserts!
good Fusion cooking... the right herbs and spices and good fresh ingredients... etc.

3 beverages I drink regularly:
TEA!!!
hot-chocolate / green chai latte / doubleshots
water

3 TV shows/Books I watched/read as a kid:
the Muppets / Fraggle Rock (Jim Henson)
Roald Dahl's (but not everything he wrote... yet! someone stole my Omnibus!!!)
AEsop's fables

3 people I have to tag:
Des, Courtney, Ulli (if they would like to take it up...)

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"will you be my Valentine?"

i don't remember celebrating Valentine's ever... well not in the lovey-dovey Hallmark way... but i do have fond memories of the "flower-rangers" that delivered carnations the night before to all the valentines and valentins or valentinos in each student dorm at the college in wales... careful not to wake anyone up.

it's a wonderfully fun tradition... and i am certain many ppl yonder are greeted by the smell of carnations this morning... absolutely lovely...

i sent carnations to girls and boys alike... for it is also friendship day! at £1 a stalk including a wee notelet wherein you pen your armorous feelings or fuzzy thoughts... anonymous or not... of course, there are other ways to show your love... some of us baked cookies or bought chocolates instead... but the fun (or dreadful!) part of it is the gossips that linger after.

see, white carnations 'symbolizes' friendship, pink indicates passionate feelings... and red is for love... you wouldn't be alarmed getting white ones or, in effect, the red ones... for love is unconditional and friendship is a form of love too... in fact, many dashing and cheeky guys send red carnations to lots of fellow female students... and it is just full of banter!

what is exciting and perhaps thrilling, are the pink ones... that's what gets you wondering... hmmmm.

pink is in the air... speckled on the cookies found in the office grazing ground... dancing in the hearts of those who find muse on St. Valentine's Day...

and just because it's all pinky everywhere... here's an interesting article about the things that people do, in particular the scientists... in the name of love... or more aptly described as the "2-body" problem ... which is a growing normality in modern day... not just a familiar occurrence for scientists but for people from all walks of life... particularly when different cultural worlds collide.

meanwhile...

seagulls

the first seagull i got to know was Jonathan Livingston... that was nearly another lifetime ago... i've always liked the idea of learning to fly... not least it makes it seem easier getting from one place to another... and you don't have to subject yourself to the incessantly frustrating and rather dehumanizing experience of air-travel these days; btw, thanks to apparently new CIA security measures, travellers from many european countries and british colonies will have to have all their paw-pads scanned during customs & immigration come summer. maybe it would be easier if we all could fly like birds do (-- we might learn to carry less baggage! ha) ... but perhaps it would be much 'simpler' if we all trusted, respected, and loved each other... A LOT more than we currently do.

aeronautics and musings aside, the use of seagulls seems to be a recurring theme in literature... Anton Chekov wrote The Seagull in 1896, a play which speaks of the materialistic dreams that often cloud one's pursuit of happiness... and of breaking from tradition to find one's voice, to be. the protagonist of the play, Constantines, is the seagull who perishes because of individualistic idealism... a dramatic end, which starkly contrasts with those who live and (seemingly) readily/blindly accept the societal norms and vogue of the 'old' Zeitgeist...

if seagulls are the emblem for freedom, individualism and/or idealism... i sure have an affinity for them...

... and i hope they will remain a reminder of hope and the fact that it is alright to be different.

eeeuuuooop!

i discovered today that driving an automatic-transmission car is very much less stressful than the stick-shift!

by far...

you just let the car DRIVE, REVERSE, PARK, and press on the accelerator or brakes with ONE foot!

NO CLUTCH! no crazy gear-shifts to beat the free-way... & NO SLIPPING down the hill when you do a hill-start because you didn't get the bite on the clutch and the accelerator with the right proportion of feet-pressure... & NO crazy multi-tasking... WOW!

geez... i should have learnt driving in an automatic! it would have made life on the road less miserable...

guess i had to learn the hard way, always. baaaah.

oh well... at least now i can go fast without worrying about changing to the 5th gear whenever i get to drive an automatic-car! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

image © www.usavanityplates.com

we are fortunate to be 'safe'

so much has been going on... and there's so much to comprehend but it is not easy because it is beyond what we (the royal 'we') can imagine...

my thoughts go to those who are trying to escape the bombings and have no say in whether they might live to see the aftermath of the on-going crisis, or to live with the injuries, or to see their love ones dying and dead, or they themselves catching their last breaths.

meanwhile, iraq continues to struggle with unrests...

as if the manmade deaths and violence are not sufficient in the turbulent mid-east, mumbai's train-bombing last week added more doubts to the idea/possibility of peace.

even UN-peace-keepers are short-staffed.

and the current headlines overshadow other chronic humanitarian crisis... remember Dafur? the news don't really highlight enough of the trouble that's out there... there's also on-going trouble in sri-lanka, cambodia, just to name a few.

it is frustring to read the news these days; most of the headlines and reports are sad, shocking, and disturbing. it makes me wonder how we could be so inhumane to each other... we do not appear to communicate these days, if we appeared to do so before, we might have merely done so on cordial terms or for the benefit of ourselves...

or perhaps it is more appropriate to say that we do not wish to listen... in many countries there remain little dialogue between the state and their citizens... let alone between nations.

soon, even natural disasters will engulf us all... because it's no good to make us learn... we just don't.

the current sweep of the human toils in china and indonesia are the replay of variations of the same theme... warnings and symptoms of global warming...

warnings of self-destruction.

random snippets of things i didn't really know...

there is some indescribable joy in eating a simple meal that reminds you of childhood... i had some plain rice, accompanied by eggs scrambled with shallots, butter-carressed blanched runner beans and saut?d spiced ham for lunch today... a late lunch on a 'lazy' saturday... it is odd, but i do enjoy eating spiced ham that comes in a wee can... but not the other kind of sp_m... oh no... in fact, i cannot quite understand why the uoe-email-server/services etc. aren't as good in blocking 'UCE' as the ones in umn are... it is truly quite mind-boggling. but i digress... i wanted to say that i didn't know that spiced ham originated in minnesota... i've always thought it was an australian thing... don't ask me why.

it occurred to me recently that i've been quite mistaken... i always thought that engineers, physicists, mathematicians and computer scientists were the only ones who are able to deal with a lot of math and programming... but i am so wrong... i know medical doctors and psychologists who are very adept in these things too... scary... i mean wow. i suppose it's not so much your 'training' but how open-minded you are about it all... it's a mental obstacle i suppose... and we either embrace numbers or to think them incomprehensibly abstract... however, the rest of us do deal with numbers everyday, too!

i drink far too much tea... i mean i know that and it's shocking... but coffee tastes horrible when it's pitch black and i am staying away from drinking milk... it appears to intensify my apparent hay-fever symptoms ... soya milk might be a little better... but for some reason... the coffee brewed at the lab tastes quite horrible... so i sneak to the espresso machine and press a wee button for a large shot... ahem... and add some sugar to make it go down easier... anyways i overheard an interesting comment by a visiting researcher (probably dutch or british by birth for he did have a rather european accent...) one day as my colleague showed him and his students about after they were fortunate to pick up a mug of tea each, for the music-man of the lab (i call R the music-man cause he is really the music-man in the lab) just brewed us all a teapot of fresh tea... the visitor remarked:"it is rare to find an american drinking tea!.... usually you'd find americans drinking coffee, and more typically," (with emphasis) "...the typical american drinks instant coffee!"....

my subconscious mind is awfully independent and influential at times... it seems to be the one conjuring up all the moments of procrastination that i engage in after some many hours of brain-draining number-crunching... it's quite amusing but frightening at the same time...

utterly inanely COLD...

there are a lot of quirky things about americans that i either find strange or am simply amused by their enthusiasm for all things seemingly 'cool' or in the particular case i am referring to... FREEZING... or perhaps subZERO Farenheits...

minneapolis/st-paul (currently only minneapolis) has a light-rail system that actually works in encouraging people to use the public metro system... (one would have liked the train system and networks of rail lines to have been more sophisticated in this country... alas, it is rather spartan here compared to the intricate connections on the european continent). in any case, there are little muses that could be found at each light-rail stop for passengers waiting either in the heat or in sub-zero temperatures... 'weather-permitting' as inscripted on the gadgets that either resemble a huge electric switch which you flip up and down or a spring-device that you pull and release to send a wee plastic ball flying through a metal tube which then passes a flap that mechanically turns on a section of a pre-recorded tape or video to be played for your listening or viewing pleasure...

a few days ago, i was waiting at the stop in front of the hospital for the light-rail to arrive to take me closer to home... and i was freezing and bored... if you don't time it right, a 10 minute wait in temperatures around -10degC or lower is pure torture... even with ski-trousers... you think to yourself during these 10 minutes of agony how on earth people have decided to settle in this part of the world and why you've joined them in this madness etc.... such thoughts don't really and can't quite occupy 10 minutes of your mental attentiveness and i was so bored i flipped the 'muse' switch for a bit of entertainment.... and if only to distract me from thinking about the cold...

i was treated to an anecdote of how a californian-born girl studying in minnesota is proud to be wearing four layers of trousers and calls her dad up to tell him how cool it was... and the poor father thought only that his daughter probably didn't have enough pocket money to heat up her apartment... and all she was deliriously raving about was "4 pairs of pants!"

... i wasn't sure if i really empathise... i was starting to freeze even in my ski-trousers... and we are talking about -10degC... feeling like some -18degC with the wind chill... this is insanely COLD... and sometimes you are left standing in the cold to wait for the bus for about 20-30mins... i think this is highly unethical... certainly the XYZ?!-ReviewBoards have overlooked such issues in approving construction work... we need some scientific 'proof' (no one sensible will be a volunteering subject unfortunately) that it is a health hazard to stand in subzero cold for more than 10 mins!!! who ever designed the bus and rail shelters really haven't got much common sense... they fixed the heaters on the ceiling with a gap between the roof-structure and the top of the miserable plastic shields that are supposed to block the wind... the heat intended to warm the waiting passengers is chilled by the wind and sinks onto you as chilled air... you are never really heated... and all the energy is spent wasted! utterly brilliant!

in any case... here's the weekend forecast from weather.com...

i need a space-suit...

what the fortune cookie slip said:

maybe this is telling me something...?! who's been stopping me from flying?!?!? sob.

sie wissen was du willst!

this is what gmail added in my german reply to sabine on the side:

"Sponsored Links (feedback)

Arbeiten im Ausland
z.B. Australia, USA, NZ, UK Flug, visa, versicherung usw
www.ccusa.com

Insider-Tips Australien
Reisezeit, Sehensw?rdigkeiten, Routen, Land und Leute.
www.aktuelles-lexikon.de

About these links"

i really hope it is just a key-word search algorithm... and not that they care to eavesdrop?! hmm.... naughty naughty.

anyways, isn't "Sehensw?rdigkeiten" ein wunderbares Wort??!? i think it's awesome! it literally means... "seeing-worthy".

c'est la vie...

my mother can behave a lot like a Mrs Bennet at times which makes it a little nerve-wrecking being her children when this temperament manifests in its apparently most innocent, culturally-induced way. but really, we don't always have any "pity on [her] nerves" because she, in this fantasy-state, is rather adamant on being happy in her schemes... and can be amusingly illogical in her arguments for desiring us to follow her 'perfect-plans'... clearly, Jane Austen's view that "it is universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." is quite inappropriate in modern times when men and women don't just simply inherit or marry (into fortune) for a living... and frollick about in numerous splendid balls until prince-charming finds his way to his lady.

well, i am sorry to say that there is not just one lizzy and a male-incarnation of that character in the family who are determined to keep her pining for her dream-come-true... there is also in her children, a desire to define their lives as best as they can possibly do so... and not necessarily as defined by tradition, in their rather unconventional lives. furthermore, to marry just because you are at the age for marriage is rather WRONG. just as it is very wrong to cajole someone into bearing more off-springs because of tax-rebates... it is not just simply wrong but utterly irresponsible. and whoever implemented such legislation or grants it truly has little respect for their citizens' intelligence. we live in very warped and desperate societies...

but with all good-intentions at heart, my poor mummy will have to bear my rebellious nature for many years to come... and i am sure society, too, will have to come to terms the dichotomy of what tradition has all along 'preached' and what the complexities of modern life and unconventional life-paths must bring.

and so, we will continue to hear her silly endearing nonsense and she, our earnest protests... =c)

lots of little things...

1) i saw or rather watched, with a somewhat mixed anxiety, amazement and amusement, a wee dormouse scampering about near the busstop yesterday morning finding scraps of nibbles admist the snow-covered pavement... it seems desperation got the better of its timidness and it went for the spring-roll-samosa that someone must have dropped the night before... it was totally oblivious to its audience.

2) i went shopping yesterday evening in hope to find some trousers for the chilly weather... instead... i found a lovely deep turquoise green-blue (peacock's tail) woolly cardi at BananaRepublic for about 44% its original price! it looks a little like a kimono-top (me and my craze about the upcoming Memoirs of A Geisha...) with its flar-out collars and a thin woolly sash which i can tie into a bow... i *love* the colour... and am amazed to find that it will go very nicely with the wee dress of the same shade i wore during my big GorGor and Lynette's wedding and monoceros's nuptial banquet!

3) i actually did find trousers though after much search but they are not quite what i had in mind (which are warm corduroys in shades that don't seem to exist in reality)... and was surprised that i could actually fit into a regular size 0! i honestly don't get the US sizes here... they seem to differ from store to store.... still i wish more stores would stock petites... sigh.

4) if only they (the organizers are a somewhat elitist group of food-bloggers) had this a lot earlier... i have sent my sterling ? cheque to Unicef UK many weeks ago when it happend with lots of appeals... however, for those who might still be wondering how you could help... this is another great way to help the less-fortunate of us all... you might even get a foodie x'mas gift!

... i am sure there are more than these things i wanted to share... will rummage my memory for the others...

5) sick-filthy-minded spammers attacked my blog!
them evil nothing-better-to-do twaty-slimey-gits! grrrrr

why can't it be wednesday... like now?

if any one knows me well enough they'd know that sometimes i wish things would happen "like NOW!"... f teases me a lot with it... as he did this morning in his self-imposed morning call from across the atlantic. i was still thickly encapsulated in sleep's cobwebs, dreamy with lizzy and darcy in my own concoctions of Hertfordshire, Netherfield etc. ... utterly pleasant. but i have to wait till Wed. before the film's released in a cinema that i could reasonably get to without whimpering for a ride in someone's car...

then he continued to torture me with details of an un-warranted extended ending in the US-version that seems not to do justice to the novel in its original form... a kiss... champagne... sunset... how kitschy is that?!... and so the divide between the anglo-saxons and their yankee cousins remains.

ahh... but Matthew MacFadyen, who plays Darcy, is a lot more palatable to the eye than Colin Firth (sorry Mr Firth)... in fact, if i could have had it my way, i'd engage Ralph Fiennes in the role, oh yes! oh, i can't wait... and while i am re-reading the novel... and enjoying every pomposity of Jane Austen's verbose use of the language... i am hoping that wednesday will arrive sooner...

like NOW!

a glitch in new phone designs!

there seems to be lots of power failures here in the twin-cities... and coaxing myself out of bed this morning after a surprise phonecall from DSD!! i realised that the other cordless phone and it's base station went dead and i was baffled. after tormenting myself over playing with the message-recording button for too long the night before... i figured that i might not be the culprit afterall... i opened up the fridge to get some soya milk for tea only to realise that it remained dark inside...

everything powered by electricity must have gone dead for some 2 hours... but the old-fashioned phone, the other spare phone, courtesy of my colleague (who's been ever so kind in helping me settle into this place and crazy country), worked.

why did we forget about this in our design of our modern phones?! it is during power failures etc. that you need to use the phone (most?!) to call someone for help...

what can i say?! hang on to your old-fashioned phones!!! they could save your life.

superposed...

was chatting to f last night... in fact, i was moaning... it's been rather miserable of late... and bless him, he's really sweet about it especially when he's heard most of my angst before... this phd is really driving me insane...

after his attempt in sorting out the some of my cognitive dissonance over some boot-strap statistics etc... we did at some point rather randomly veered into the strange world of quantum mechanics --- which is completely gobbledeygook to me (even though i wish i could suss it out... then i can time-travel!)... in any case, i feel like Schr?dinger's cat quite a lot... trapped and confused...and am both dead and alive...

annoyed

2 circumstances:

#1

"it'll be sorted out, somehow..." says everyone... of course it will be sorted out... because i'll have to sort it out myself... except it ain't going to be easy. on the one hand i have detailed instructions as to what i need to bring along to the interview... and on the other, i have certain people dealing with the paper work/admin in the US who think they know how it will all go and think i am making a fuss... i need to show proof that certain fees have been paid, if they were paid on my behalf... they have a copy of the papers i received, why don't they try to read the small-prints and clauses that are on the papers?!

just because others may not be required to fill in forms for their visa-application doesn't mean it will forever be the same with every other case. just because it was like how you know it before doesn't mean that something different cannot possibly happen. if your US consulate says so, can't you just accept the rules and cooperate?!

#2

yesterday morning i woke up to discover that i received a letter from the Sheriff Court and gasped... what did i do?! ... nothing... only that my name has been selected from the electorial board (as commonwealth citizens you are eligible to vote and they put your name into their records anyways) and i have been elected to serve as a potential representative of the jury if need be for the next 2 years and that if i am not in the legal or medical profession etc. i have no reasons to be exempted from this obligation (unless i've gone on the wrong side of humanity etc.).

for a moment i did find myself thinking... cool... i sometimes wonder what really goes on in court... hmm

but then if you turn over the letter, there is a list of who is eligible to be part of the jury... and the first clause states that i must be an ordinary resident (not a resident for educational purposes) for at least 5 years... the rest is about people with the kinds of professions that are exempted and about people with criminal records who will obviously not be eligible...

so i had to waste my time writing to the Court's Clerk to tell him (whoever his wig-headed highness might be) that i am not eligible as a representative of the public jury because i haven't been an ordinary resident during my stay in the UK for all the many years i happen to be here, i won't be around for the next year or so and i should be granted exemption from this apparent 'obligation'.

if they make so much of a fuss with the immigration and it costs so much they ought to get their records right! (their record of who is who and what is what is appalling) ...where's all the money gone to, you wonder?!

oh goodness...

just when i thought the paper bureaucracy was the only thing i had to tackle... it seems that i will also have to fight for seats on the trains departing for Edinburgh... because a million people are predicted to be flooding into the city for the G8 summit. and the big issue on the agenda as was many years ago... is "make poverty history"... but will they really?! here's an article by George Monbiot, which highlights the irony.

cooking therapy

unlike some of my friends who feel loads better after some retail therapy... i often find that more depressing... it's just the curse of a nomadic existence you see... i try not to own too many things if i can help it.

nothing seems to be able to calm my nerves these days apart from spending more time preparing food, especially if it requires more effort than usual...

i made fried bee-hoon (rice-vermicelle) a la grand-aunty's style the other day... i made so much that i had to eat it for lunch and dinner over 3 days...

i also tried to make curry puffs... i miss them... i remember making them in home-economics... but i made so much curry that i had to make gigantic puffs... thank goodness for ready-rolled-out puff-pastry! those incredible puffs lasted about a week...

i created from randomness another courgette quiche last weekend for dinner with ruth and tammy before we headed to the ceilidh... oh my last ceilidh for moons... sob.

i don't know what else i cooked... but i didn't have much left on my shelf in the fridge this morning... one egg and some soya-milk to which i added flour and a bit of honey to make some pancake mixture for breakfast today... it was yummy with maple syrup.

i went for my weekly food/grocery shopping today... i miss the fresh market that is open 4 times a week in the mornings in quaint little T?bingen... but i never manage to make it to the Farmer's market here at Castle terrace... i am planning to go next saturday and scoop up some fresh scrumptious produce... which will be good fun. i heard that the Farmer's markets in London are really good but i doubt i will stay too long when i pop down at the end of the month... the only one i've been to is the one at Notting Hill many years ago and it's also where i bumped into my old chemistry classmate (at uwc) from japan... she looked just the same!

anyways... apart from the joy of finding some exciting if not tempting ingredients you might be able to make some use of... there's also the contemplation of what to do with them while you browse over various recipe-books to find some inspiration...

i suppose you might have gathered... the dishes i sometimes concoct are quite, well, adventurous... but that's the best part of it, i suppose...

i feel dyslexic...

reading over the various clauses on the information sheets included in the visa application...

it's ironic... they make you pay for them to keep track of you... it's called the SEVIS fee... it costs US$100!

there're two other forms you have to fill in for a J-1 visa... DS-156 and DS-158... if you are male or are born in or hold a passport from certain countries you have to fill in another form...

i have to go have a beautiful photograph taken so that they might be distracted... and be nice to me... (harhar... like they will)

you pay them ?60 to read over the forms and interview you (and you might have to pay another ?60 depending on whether your country of residence has good ties with the US) and then ?9.50 for them to get your passport back to you on recorded delivery via Royal Mail...

that's a total of roughly US$240 (possibly more) -- they sure are making good money.

i hope they will accept my rather interesting looking passport... hmm.

how nerve-wrecking...

anyways, i should let anna and amy know i will be visiting... london... hmmm there are a few places i've read about that i'd like to have a peek... and covent garden is one of my all-time-favourite places... i wonder if the quartet is still there playing Bach and Pachelbel's canon...

on its way, i am told...

i was really upset last week re my visa applications... and the whole circumstance was also made more annoying partly because i was originally told it would take about a week to get through... today i learnt that it could actually take about 6 weeks and it more or less did... in any case... i've been made feeling rather low by all these unnecessary bureaucratic-related and relocation worries...

anyways... it think i am feeling a lot better today...

a package with important papers is on its way to me... by express i am told... (it'll still take 3 days!) i hope it will arrive soon... i must have sounded like a frantic-worried-freak (and squeaking with my silly voice) when i spoke to the secretary at the research center... in truth, it is all very nerve-wrecking... i can't really do anything properly without knowing and it has all been up in the AIR (still is)... just wrote to the consulate to request for an earlier interview date... but i doubt they will grant it... still, i thought i'd try rather than regret not trying. i've never imagined that visa applications could take so long... sigh...

isn't there an official identity that is something like a "citizen of the world" -- who lives and travels sans frontieres? i'd like to be one...

terribly tempted...

been contemplating for months (or might it be years?!)... about getting an ipod (looking to get the 60gig ipod photo for practicality's sake)... am rather appalled by how heavy my collection of CDs has become... and i've been quite tempted too by the new little portable speakers, the iM3c, from Altec-Lansing i spotted in the inflight magazine when i was last flying with lufthansa... oh help... decisions decisions... have till tomorrow for the sale...

should i?! all you ipod users out there... what are your views/qualms/etc. about this devise?

UPDATE 1st June 2005:
i didn't put an order for an ipod in the end... am annoyed about it... but even with an educational purchase, it would still cost much more than what it normallly costs in the US... i think i'll wait... afterall, the IRiver (PMP140) does seem like a much more functional gadget... although a lot more pricey... maybe it will get a little cheaper with time... maybe there will be something else in the next few months... sigh.

i could wait a while...

potpourri of thoughts...

run through my wee head every day... i wonder how my brain cells cope with all of that. poor tiny little things. i 'fry' them up too much -- simply day-dreaming and then panick to get what i ought to be doing done before deadline. i never used to be so terrible in my procrastinations... but i am truly getting worse with 'age'... opps.

i've been shelving aside plans for a little bit of fun and an excuse to learning more scripty codes until the bunch of us at 100-acre-wood (pretty much our virtual playground) decides what to do with our server hosting... which explains why i've not yet drop a proper entry on the Banoffi-pie i'd promised --- i didn't forget about it though!

along with that, there are also fantasies of giving 'overacuppa' a little wee tweek and polish some time... some time... sigh.

i have frustration-turned-despair thoughts about how i will manage with the relocation pretty much on my own... "surely i will manage?!" i tell myself, i did it by myself going to germany, i will manage it myself to the usa... but deep deep down in crux of my soul, i don't know how it will all work out. let's hope the department/school will approve of my relocation funding application...

then again... maybe i will never make it yonder across the atlantic... this waiting for the forms from the us is driving me insane... i can't plan anything concretely until i get the visa, which will probably take another 2 weeks from receiving the papers since i'll have to arrange for an interview... which means i can't finalise my flights, i can't yet advertise for another person to view my room, i can't start searching for an apartment, i can't do proper packing... etc.

round and round in a merry-go-round my analyses are going... why we can never always anticipate every little bug or glitch is something i consider my own mockery-making...

i was on a delirium high when i saw "half-price for blueberries" at Tesco yesterday... i brought home 600g of them blueberry-bliss... now i am contemplating what i should do with them... too many lovely recipes to choose from...

my 'darker' side...

"Fear is the path to the dark side: fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering"

i can't help but think Lucas has been influenced by Buddhistic teachings... all the wonderful bits of the light vs dark sides are captured in the apparently simple yet profound lines that Yoda 'enigmatically' spews... absolutely wonderful philosophical stuff.

ever since i was introduced to Star Wars and all the amazing fun... i've always wanted a lightsaber (NB: not the toy but the real thing)... i also want to get hold of a copy of the story in text... and i wouldn't mind having DVDs of the original trilogy and the new as future pressies in case you ever think of getting me something i'd like... but sharing it with me if you do have a copy would be just as nice!!! i also wanted to have my hair long so i could plait it like princess leia and become a jedi... i also wondered if George Lucas published his stories at all? does anyone know? i'd really like to get a copy...

... so many wants... it's terrible i know... "learn to let go, [i] must".

i've to call her Dr. now!

hurray hurray!

my classmate at UWCAC and old pal, sabine, just wrote to say she's finished her final Official States Medical Exams! which she had to do orally!

i salute people who perform their exams orally (that probably means the whole of continental europe!)... it just scares me silly... i still remember my very first (and the only) oral exam in Germany that i had to take, which was on neuroanatomy... all i can recall was that i remembered more than i could really articulate in a coherent way... i was literally tongue-tied... but then again... i was also scared of the (rather cocky) professor who was conducting the exam. he has large protruding eyes that almost resembled those of the cameleon, except he couldn't move them independently like the reptile (i am not sure if he might be able to do camouflaging either). but he would stare at you as though if he did look hard enough, you might somehow disappear into thin air! double misery. anyways i managed to answer his questions somehow (probably sounding very hesitant and unsure of my silly self) and named the structure he pointed to on the brain slice, the lateral geniculate nucleus, correctly even though he expected me to get it wrong (that was really nerve-wrecking!)... subsequently, i tried to overcome my fear and improved on the presentation of my slides/talk whenever i had to present something at the seminar series... i was never really like most of my other coursemates who seemed absolutely confident and good at public speaking... all i can say is that i've improved with time... and (now) i am glad i had to do it... even though i dreaded it all the time. still do.

anyways... hurray hurray for sabine!

irony...

something which i don't get... america is made up of people originating from different nations... yet such narrow-mindedness prevails... makes me wonder...

i shall be really annoyed if they don't do ceilidhs there... humph!

not long before the 10-yr reunion

it's really nice to hear from one's old alma mater... every year, i get a UWCAC magazine and read about the new opportunities available to the new students... makes me feel part of a community; a very privileged one... it is very special to someone who's feeling very much like a nomad.

while i was in the States, i took the opportunity to visit AH, my classmate at UWCAC, who's currently at the Harvard Business School; at least i can say i've been to Harvard even if i didn't study there! haha. he's still pretty much the same silly guy... we used to take the same Math classes (Highers and Advanced) and he was also in my Theory of Knowledge class. little did i know was that the academic curriculum was too easy for him (he is one smart cookie and always sat in the first row while i was always hiding at the back)... and i was accused of being too bookish (how unlikely! i was probably wandering about fossicking various gems or talking to sheep?! -- i am pretty good at imitating the sheep that i passed by every day!)... because, apparently, i ignored a few interested boys... ahem... of course i didn't tell him how traumatized i was before i went to the uk... and how much i enjoyed the fact that it was so much easier for boys and girls to be good friends in the school without any other intentions of forming a closer relationship. that wasn't quite the case in the JCs in singapore... it's as if the sudden co-ed system led to the wild hormonal changes that are beyond the control of those who were previously in single-sex schools or those who do not have siblings of a different sex. i was much happier in wales because of the openess and maturity that most of my school mates showed... in any case, i was rather amused... and i am rather curious now about what other interesting 'truths' will surface when we all meet in the 10-yr reunion back at the castle-school... of course it's not merely an opportunity to catch up on each others' lives and to learn how they've moved on since, who their spouses are and what amazing frontiers they've challenged... it is also an opportunity to discuss the state of world affairs and how one might be able to contribute in some way, small as it might seem. i can't wait... although i'm slightly concerned that i've not really achieved much since i've left... i've been in school all this while... sigh... at least i know some really cool rabbit burrows where i could potentially hide!

beyond stereotypes...

everyone's been asking me about my recent trip to the states... frankly, i've not quite made up my mind as to what i think of it... i guess i am somewhat suffering a certain amount of cognitive dissonance...

all the prior impressions i had of america and americans were mostly formed through Hollywood films, news and perhaps some personal encounters with a few americans themselves... which i am somewhat embarrassed to say, are mostly negative and rather skewed... but in general, i really haven't got a real clue as to what it is like despite having been to that huge land mass some 5 years ago. this time... my visit has led me to rethink and question my preconceptions and prior impressions...

here are some random views and thoughts (probably guilty of naive generalisations) in no particular order:

- everything is so spaced out there... large buildings in the middle of nowhere... and you could drive for years before you reach the next civilisation... that is something which i could identify with being in Australia... so half the time, i thought i was on the other side of the world... terribly confused.

- americans shop a lot... the Mall of America in Minneapolis is swamped with visitors everyday... most of whom leave the multiplex with bags of purchases... i wonder how on earth they can afford to spend so much and so often...

- i wear size 'Small' in the UK... and am probably more comfortable in a Medium for some things in Singapore/Asia but i need to find something smaller than Small in the US...

- unlike the clusters of quaint little stores in the continent, they have huge malls... not my cuppa tea...

- they do not etch numbers on their coins... i still don't seem to be able to distinguish between dimes, 5cents, quarters and fifties (are there fifties?!) ?! i wonder why they even print the words so small... maybe they don't ever use coins?! all notes are of the same size... so you really need to check a few times what you are using to foot your bill... don't forget to tip... it's almost a defaut pre-requisite of a proper consumer.

- people seem rather posh and proper... Harvard Business School is truly a utopia of its own... some americans hold wine-tasting parties... (maybe they are all inspired by the film "Sideways" -- which i finally saw in Minneapolis! it was a good laugh.) ... and apparently, some americans are more environmentally friendly than we would give them credit... maybe it's just in Minnesota?!

- most americans are descendants of european ancestors... their surnames suggest they are foreign but they are americans -- this is what fuels my cognitive dissonance most. and because of this apparent illusion, i keep having this tendency of wanting to converse in german but keep having to tell myself that they are not germans and probably don't understand any german... most of them tell me they only know one language -- (american) english.

- people are very warm and friendly... but i don't know if they really feel that way. people in the continent are more willing to express their displeasures right out and americans just seem friendly and nice all the time... ?! well, that's not true... they don't always return your smile...

- Starbucks is found on every corner/street in America... little wonder that it is also dubbed the coffee nation...

- everyone keeps asking me where Singapore is geographically located... i felt like an alien.

- McDonalds has a mexican foodchain called Chipotle... which serves healthier food than burgers...

- arts and culture are not as well-subsidised by the Govt. as they are in the continent or here in the UK.

- there are many fancy restaurants with flamboyant names and menus...

- they queried me if food in the UK is really bad... i didn't say that i found it appalling that fried oily stuff is sold in their hospital cafeteria... i just responded that each country boasts its own bad cuisines... BUT you can find so much good authentic asian cuisines in New York... i was utterly impressed and convinced that everything oriental that is available in the continent and in the UK is really so terrible in comparison... not even the food in London's chinatown could beat what you can find in Manhattan! and as you'd probably guess, i'm suffering my withdrawal symptoms far too soon because of this!

- i don't know if i like the vast physical open-ness and the fact that you are so reliant on having to use the car... i wonder why they never really made use of bullet-trains... train-travel would be such a great thing across the large expanse of land and along some of america's beautiful scenic places...

- i don't know why they kept their imperial units when britain has moved to use metric... i can't think in farenheits nor in pounds, nor in feet, etc...

--- i'll add more when i can recall other quirky things...

to The Twin Cities...

i suppose i ought to mention that my visit to Minneapolis and St. Paul a week ago culminated in the proposed relocation from Edinburgh to the city of lakes where i will try to finish my PhD research with a different project since the current work does not appear to lead to anything conclusive (perhaps D, my supervisor, would beg to differ but i seriously question his views on this)... an unfortunate detour which i'd like to call history... sigh. the woes of research.

i am not sure if i am terribly excited about the move... you'd think that having lived in so many different places for the last decade, another relocation shouldn't really be anything worth fretting about... but you will be wrong. the fact is that, contrary to all logic, it doesn't get any easier moving from one place to another, from one city to another, from one country to another... and this probably extends to moving from one planet to another. it's just ain't easy... and often, the consequences are not easily predictable.

while i am glad and very relieved that the idea to explore another area of brain research has been well-received in the research center as well as the enthusiasm and kind hospitality that were bestowed on someone insignificant... i am saddened by the fact that i will have to leave the haven of familiarity and embrace the world of unknown... i am reminded of all the instances of new-beginnings... first in Wales, then Edinburgh, then Germany and then back in Scotland where all that was once familiar seemed somewhat foreign... all the people i've come to know and then bade goodbye and possibly never to meet again in my life...

i recalled returning to the hotel room one evening during my visit and breaking down in tears... not because the research idea i proposed was thought to be completely inane and that i'd better give up pursuing my phd completely --- something which i had thought of in the last few months --- but that i hadn't foreseen the reality that it would realistically be more appropriate to stay much longer so as to run the experiment and then analyse the collected data with the help of the expertise there. it is something with which i wholeheartedly agree, except of course everything else seemed as though my life's apparent 'cosmos' has just been hit by an enormous astroid and turned into utter chaos.

it's funny how people sometimes tell me how envious they are of me having the opportunity to live in differen places... yet i don't know if they ought to for the life i lead is nothing worth envying... sometimes, i wish i had never ventured so far... yet the irony is that it will be just as difficult to return to whence i've left...

there will be so much to get used to... silly aspects like: paper sizes (A4 vs letter), temperature scales (celsius vs farenheit), units of measurements (metric vs imperial), electrical plugs (UK vs US), tea vs coffee..., walking/cycling vs car/petrol..., little quaint shops vs huge supermarket/retail malls..., british accents vs american twang... and the list continues.

sigh... i sure hope things will perk up on the research front... one can only tolerate so much anguish and agony... don't you think?!

wow

wish i had the calibre of Candice who was awarded the prestigious Angus Ross -- thanks to mr brown for the news

wish i were better in all things literary... because although i enjoy(/ed) the readings and discussions, i don't (/didn't) feel terribly articulate or bright... would be nice to catch up on some critical reading skills at some point... hmm... i also wish i were better at a lot of other skills... like being more disciplined! =cP

but there's certainly more to just doing well in literature exams... and good pal monoceros expresses her views on the same news.

understated...

dsd and monoceros have taken the quiz... i thought i'd as well... and here's what it says about me... (excuse the terrible typos from the website...)

"Men See You As Understated

You are an intreguing mix of girl and woman.
You're feminine, quiet, and a total mystery to most men.
Yet they often feel the urge to protect you, even if they don't know you.
You *are* a flirt, but you usually only flirt with those you know well"

hmm... sounds like i am a 'flirty(?!)' damsel-in-distress... must change that.

hah!

Microsoft gets warned!

i have a problem with all these different operating systems (OS) and programmes that work on different OS with different capacities. it's annoying. it makes communication a pain. there ought to be a law that all programmes must have the functionality to convert from and to all possible formats. no body can afford all possible programmes... and everyone has his or her preferences... to this, the departmental system administrator thinks i would need a utopia... yes and so what?! at least i have a vision... the sys admin also takes my point though because he replied, "it's funny how humans, who are social animals, are such anti-social creatures." ... it's all in the buck...

meg or amelie?

heee... maybe i should bring this along to the hairdresser's... what do you think?! maybe i should combine them both! hmmm...

count, wait and watch

[i don't know where this picture came from... but lucy forwarded it to me yesterday... thought it's fun... if you know who created it please let me know so i can acknowlege him/her!]

the non-existent addressee

this arrived in an attachment accompanying the e-mail my previous supervisor-cum-collaborator in Tuebingen forwarded to me yesterday... it was addressed to someone in the list of authors... guess who?!

"Dear Dr. T__

Thank you for submitting your manuscript #___ [....] for ______. Your manuscript has been evaluated by peer review and found suitable [...], pending minor changes as detailed in the evaluation [...]."

this is the 2nd time someone has so kindly put "the non-existent addressee" on the pedestal with the Dr.s even when the person in reference can't ever see herself gaining that title... particularly at this rather pathetic stage of her current research... when the supposed *light* beyond the neverending tunnel seems like it will never reveal itself...

the first time was even more embarrassing... which led to the referred "non-existent addressee" to resort to sticking a sticker to cover up the etched "Dr." on the given name-tag which had to be used within the hospital...

seems like the following rule applies: if in doubt, everyone is assumed to hold a "Dr." title

shouldn't let little stupid things annoy me...

gosh i hate doing up lists for the flat... it started when all of us moved into it... and i objected to having a kitty because it meant spending too much time calculating and deducting from what one weekly contributes to compensate what one might have bought for the flat. it makes no sense at all. and then N started listing things bought that ought to be shared... now everyone feels like they have been contributing solely to the well-being of the flat. sigh. i miss my old flatmates ute and nicole! things were so much easier... we just notice what needed replacement without anyone needing to draw up lists... it's just pure initiation. here, it may sometimes be an awakened awareness (often much too late), or it might only occur to someone after i've had to list the things we need to replace and a little suggestion that perhaps each of us could pick up a few things on our shopping trip... i hate doing up lists... it just feels so forced and 'unfriendly'... worse still such lists often spark the others to justify their contribution... help... maybe it's not helpful to expect everyone to have the same initiation as me... and maybe i am just being terribly foresighted and much too much for my own sanity... grrrrrr

oh peanuts... it's all so unnecessary.

crimson

this is a pic i took yesterday while walking back to the flat from downtown with Frauke. the red berries of the sorbus are delightful... yet their bright crimsonness is (for me) a stark reminder of the dead, dying and suffering in the tsunamis-hit regions some many thousands of miles away. the little bit of some pounds i've donated to Oxfam's relief aid in those areas seem little compared to what needs to be done and those people actually extending their help physically... still the number of dead is rising... and in the Guardian today, George Monbiot wrote:"US and British aid is dwarfed by the billions both spend on slaughter"...

all good things come in 3s ...

when 3 bloggers (Monoceros, Fatgirl, DimSumDolly) have "pointed" the finger at you... you know you've got to get your act going... however i seem to take forever to get such forms/questionnaires done... only because i can't quite decide on which three things or if there might be three things at all... but anyways... here's my silly list of threes:

Three names you go by:
mayee, hengrumay, hrm

Three screennames you have:
overacuppa, tiggie, hrm

Three things you like about yourself:
although i sometimes think i am far too crazy/adventurous for my own good... i sometimes thank my stars for this silly trait, i am grateful for the fact that i seem to have brushed off from mummy some of her creative juices, hmmm... that i am a curious forssicker of a myriad of things?!

Three things you dislike about yourself:
feeling crap (lack of self-confidence) about myself, my hypersensitive skin which causes uncontrollable appearance of rash and itchiness which then mysteriously disappears... & my perpetual indecisiveness?!

Three parts of your heritage:
Chinese (Hokkien), Chinese (mummy is actually from China although i am terribly embarrassed to say that my Mandarin is not sparkly sparky... sigh), and perhaps somewhere in the genealogy is an Eurasian ancestor as it was purported that i looked rather non-asian as a wee toddler by some ?!?

Three things that scare you:
darkness -- which is also related to being permanently blind, edges of high places -- although it hasn't really stopped me from climbing up/hiking some hills/mountains, being trapped in all senses... (e.g. in terms of space/freedom/etc...)

Three of your everyday essentials:
lovely tea!!! some morsel of joy (-- be it derived from beautiful sounds/music, poetry, writing, a sudden whimiscal insight, the fleeting but amazing skyscapes, the sun peeking into the world after days of gloom, a hand-written letter addressed to me, glorious-tasting homemade food... work done etc...), a decent lie-in under cozy duvet and waking up to the beautiful sunny day (which of course doesn't always happen.... sigh).

Three things you are wearing right now:
a Tissot rock watch, a pair of Birkenstocks, my pajamies...

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
hmmm... perhaps all-time favourites might be more appropriate: Keith Jarret (particularly his piano solos when he plays either classical or jazz/modern pieces), Ella Fitzgerald, Simon & Garfunkel (i am quite out of touch with the current hits... hmmm oh dearie me)

Three things you want to try in the next 12 months:
actually rent a car and drive somewhere even if it's just around the block, run an MEG experiment, finish a paper for publication.

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
to feel at ease e.g. when participating in the same activities or in each other's silence, emotional intimacy, empathy.

Two truths and a lie (random order):
i've skinny-dipped once before, i have an obsession about all things lavender, i hated school.

Three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeal to you:
adventurous/sporty, sincerity, gentleness...
OH! wait physical! erm... hmm well toned body, tall-ish, dark-features.

Three things you just can't do:
stop worrying about the various tomorrows, go to bed early, read fast.

Three of your favorite hobbies:
anything artsy... daydreaming... travelling.

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
get all the research-related problems fixed, finish that darn manuscript, snuggle up in bed and sleep away the tiredness from all the walking today...

Three careers you're considering:
hmmm... teach in some inspiring institution of learning, becoming a travel-writer (but i don't know how i will manage without any qualifications in journalism nor any relevant basis etc.), perhaps as a clinical psychologist if i get accepted in the course that mainly considers local/EU residents... (sigh).

Three places you want to go on vacation:
South America (Argentina or Peru), Middle East/SilkRoad, lesser known/visited areas in China.

Three kids' names:
i haven't actually thought of any but here are 3 which i like or find interesting -- rae, leia, sophie

Three things you want to do before you die:
travel the world (particularly journeying via trans-siberia across Russia to China), write a non-fiction, run a real "overacuppa" tea-house which people enjoy visiting.

Three people who have to take this quiz, or not:
f, ruth, frauke

on gift-giving

i see people stressing over getting pressies for their loved ones and friends... it could be the expectation of pressies that appear to be driving people slightly inane... Christmas of all seasons can be one overly-commercialized event. although i don't deny the fact i love pressies, i absolutely hate it when it is compelled... and when i'm given something which i may not want, need or like. i guess i like useful and beautiful things... but more importantly, things i could use or particularly want turn me on. i would be equally happy not receiving anything knowing that nothing suitable was found (and when something suitable is discovered, hurray for everyone!)... a simple handmade card could easily bring much euphoria, as with a slice of homemade cake for a treat! perhaps it's not so much the actual gift-giving that i find special about festive seasons like Christmas... it's the time spent in meeting people i've not seen for a while... the kind of quality human interaction... that is far more important to me. so there, save yourselves the trouble... just spend some time with me! :C)

unbelievable... then again...

in a bid to induce the population to conceive... the Singaporean Government is going a step further... apart from tax-incentives... you have Romancing Singapore (free subscription required from STi) to help you feel a little more horny... i would think that there is probably more to just preventing a lopsided demograph and possible related financial imbalances... surely a child-friendly employment legislation (ie job security for mothers and longer maternal/parental leave, together with children's rights to guardian's care until a certain age) would be a greater incentive?! i believe that kids have a right to quality parental care...

i get annoyed sometimes by such apparent gimmick... and what comes to mind in a mini-revolt is Philip Larkin's poem:

ooops... should have forewarned that there would be strong and crude language...

now... i don't want my kid(s), if i ever have any, to feel like that!

cos-me-tics

last Tuesday my flatmate A had her usual Tuesday cook-out with her friends whom she met at the International Student Centre on various occasions during the first few weeks of semester. i often call them her clique, but they are a fun bunch nonetheless. this time it?s A?s turn to offer the kitchen space and she had kindly invited me to join in their pizza and waffle making session. i accepted the invitation willingly; waffles and ice-cream are much too difficult to resist!

i am usually repelled by such large groupie affairs, as the past high-school scenarios of orientation group rendezvous have proved to be more frustratingly trivial, often superficial and purely ?social? than easy-going. and habitually these rendezvous are filled with discussions of relationships which can be interesting but are often annoying. but these are my subjective and biased opinions?

of course we ended up talking about relationships? and anything vaguely related to the topic. one of the topics indulged was to do with makeup. this, for a change, was something i found intriguing because most men apparently don?t like/fancy women with makeup and i've heard this time and again over various occasions... now isn?t that great?! but is this really so? and why then do women feel that they have to put them on and it is considered rude if you don?t? i remember doing part-time vacation work once at an exhibition, as a basic translator (mandarin-english) for this Spanish engineering pump company and one of the organisers of the event pulled me aside during my first day to request that i added more makeup to my face. i was slightly embarrassed but annoyed. i was idealistic. i thought i was there to do my work and not to look pretty? in fact, i was insulted by the fact that i had to put on these artificial colouring to fit into the role i am supposed to perform.

sometimes i wonder why many european women put on so much makeup? perhaps it is to add more definition and colour to their fair complexions? and if that?s the case, why should non-europeans bother since they have much clearer-defined features with their darker skin and hair?? but surely humans have indulged in body painting activities since the days of Egyptian pharaohs? but why then if most men prefer women without makeup, do women still keep up the practice?! or do most men actually prefer women without makeup and if they do, why; and if not, why not? do women uptake the cosmetic-ritual solely for the enjoyment of men? why do they use makeup anyways?

share your views and opinions? i'm curious...

cool...

phonecall home

snippets (translated into --some sort of-- english... i speak to mummy mainly in mandarin you see... although i am terribly rusty.)

#1

mum: "hey... i called you yesterday"

me: "yes i realised... "
(when i got home the screen on my mobile phone which was left on the dresser read --'1 missed call' -- i have a wonderful knack of being non-contactable...)

#2

me: "so what's up? what have you been up to?"
(clearly forgetting that yesterday was mummy's birthday ....oooops.)

#3

mum: "well, i'm painting all these stones and tiles and .... oh you know i've been teaching the other staff to do pottery... they are having fun... "

me: "hmm... i want to make a teapot! is the clay you use safe for making crockery mum?... i'd like to make a teapot for the flat -- we are missing one and i'd like to make a totally crazy one."

mum: "eee... hmm i need to check on that... hmm ... hey y'know, there's so many things you can do, i've been learning all these tricks and ....oh the professional potter says i've got really good hands..." (she's beaming with self pride -- i can just imagine her smiling)

me: "yes mum... you have really good hands" (just reiterating her self-praise)

mum: *giggles*

#4

me: "so how's everyone? ...gor? ...wee? ...papa?... "

mum: "oh.. y'know it was my birthday yesterday? we went to this place for dinner, it was yummy... take you there when you get back... "

me: "cool... so what did you do, did you go to work?"

mum: "well, no... i was exercising so my tummy could shrink a little..."

me: "hah ha... you are funny." (i wanted to ask if it really helped... but i suppose that would be rather naughty.)

me: "so is there anything i could get you for your birthday mummy?... paints, what about your special brushes?!..."

mum: "oh... no no no... don't bother... i can find them here... hmm my special brush... oh no... it's woncky... oh dear... it's horrendously dear..."

me: "just tell me the make of it..."

mum: "oh.. the writing is so tiny i can't read it... ahhh.. it's woncky!"

me: "why don't you ask papa to help read it to me?!"

mum: "aiyah... it's become woncky and papa is in the loo!... oh...bother..."

me: (can't help laughing... )

papa emerges from the toilet and tells me the details of this apparently exquisite paintbrush... after a quick exchange [he mentioning that i've not been blogging as much lately, and asking whether my ankle is getting better... --> hee, papa reads my silly blogs... and he reminded me that i should look after myself... ], he passed the phone back to mum... i didn't even get to ask how things are with him...

what else did i share with mum?!

-- i told her i criticised the HOME OFFICE in the Questionnaire survey distributed by the UOE... describing them as being immoral basically... and how Britain will suffer economically, intellectually, and culturally with their policies... how such exorbitant charges will 1) promote education only for the filthy rich, 2) result in an eurocentric education, and 3) encourage international talents to seek friendlier shores elsewhere....etc. i think i have never been so out-spoken before. it's shocking! but i am genuinely angry: the immigration policies here suck to the core...

-- told her i am marking essays and am planning to do a debate on what education should be about etc. in the next tutorial since the next set of lectures is on educational psychology.

-- i moaned to her about my annoyance with the bin-situation in the flat's kitchen... that i keep having to empty it because it's full and everyone else seem to love to squeeze more in despite it being stuffed FULL to the brim... trivial i know but it's nice to be able to moan to her... it's also good that she knows i am trying to keep up her cleanliness doctrine.... hahaha -- i shouldn't be so cheeky really.

-- updated her on my never-ending work/research...

etc.

random musings...
what do you chat about when you call home?.... what do your parents share with you? do you feel or find that the barriers between children and parents get broken down with age? or do cultural norms and customs dictate how communication between younger and older generation should be? why is it that in some cultures, communication seems to flow more easily across age-groups? why is it that in some cultures, communication is full of inuendos rather than being direct to the point? -- does such complexity aid society or is it merely a fitness quotient or is it a waste of time and effort in understanding others? why is it so hard for some to get to the point? or to express their thoughts? perhaps there are things that aren't meant to be discussed? why do we communicate at all?! are there better means of communication than others? do you weigh the cost of a phonecall more than the maintenance of a relationship? why don't we write letters anymore? is it too slow a process or is it reserved only for the romantics? ....etc.

ambivalent

it's apparently out, and it's another Bushy period

... am feeling ambivalent... neither are great candidates and my worry is still the same... will this world of selfish myopic humans ever live to enjoy peace and sustainability, will we be able to live harmoniously? and why should the USA be seen as the most powerful country in the world?! why should any other country be vying for the title --- we should all stop this power struggle; no country is better than another.

where shall i go?

where shall i go to avoid the freezing winter vacation? i've not booked any flights yet... and i should since i might end up paying heaps if i delay it further... would be nice if i could do a double stop-over thing in singapore on the way to and back from australia like i did almost 2 Decembers ago to attend my big brother & his wife lynette's wedding. but i don't know if i want to face answering the unanswerable question of : what am i going to do with my pathetic life once i survive this trecherous phd... etc.?! which will be posed by a very concerned uncle albert and auntie helena. must everything have an answer before the resolution ever manifests itself?!

i thought life is in itself a journey... a self-discovery sort of thing... i know i won't want to be doing programming all my life, i know i like my food obsession, i know i like the international environment, i know i need my intellectual/mental stimulation (arts/music/science/literature/world issues etc...), i know i'd like to be close to family if i could, i know i am commitment-scared, i know i love adventures and exploring new horizons, i know i am rather mad enough to go places on my own, i know i like to find a place to call home, i know i'd love a home that opens out to a lovely green patch of pasture where i can do rolly-pollies with my kids or day-dream under the stars and find the orion to keep us safe. i know i am a dreamer. but i don't know who or what i'll end up being, & much lesser still about where i'll end up... but i do know the income must come from somewhere and i do want to be able to enjoy doing what i do ... who doesn't?! ... does this answer all your queries?

maybe i'll just spend some time with family this winter-vacation... escape the cold for a while... and return to celebrate the annual big hogmany partying -- bringing my thermos of mulled wine up blackford hill and watch the fireworks go off from the other 6 hills... hmmmmm. what are your chrismassy plans?

an alien everywhere...

i wonder what makes a person a 'local' in an environment. does one need to be an official resident or does that not matter? i am a resident in the tiny island south of the Malay Peninsula, but i don't feel any more local than the visiting tourists whenever i am back for a visit. exactly, a visit. while i am getting to know a few more places and the livelihood of people here and in europe, i don't think i will ever be considered a local. i don't speak Scottish dialects, nor do i actively take part in the politics of things except the occasional recycling trips to help keep the city green --- quite a futile attempt really thanks to the thousand other inconsiderate people who lack civic-mindedness. moreover, i don't actually look or feel local. it doesn't help even if you speak English... everyone's speaking that language these days... (although perhaps one day everyone will be speaking Mandarin...)

weird isn't it? to be an alien everywhere.

on environment & wastes

sometimes i really wonder if the brits really appreciate the natural beauty of their land.... i cycle through the brunstfield links and the meadows everyday... and every day i do not fail to see trails of waste left behind by picnic-doers, or most probably school-children from the nearby prep. school. news of brits mindlessly dumping their waste on the grounds of beautiful Snowdonia is heart-wrenching. i've never been there and i'd love to make it there some day but i have heard of its beauty... (i've only been to Brecon Beacons as part of the college induction week years ago... the region boasts spectacular views, if it isn't raining...) located in the northwest of wales, Snowdonia national park exudes mystical beauty and grandeur.

unlike the strongly green-environmentally-concerned countries like germany and australia, britain falls far far behind in green policies. it's hard living the german-way here in the uk... while there are more and more recycling centers, not every type of waste is covered by the recycling scheme... not only should consumers play their part in waste-disposal, manufacturers ought to assume more responsibility with regards to the disposal of their products when they become obsolete or reach the end of their functionality! or perhaps manufacture environmentally friendly products instead! i still don't know where to dispose my batteries and have resorted to using re-chargeable ones for my tiny wee portable walkman radio! moreover, packaging, while providing the protection, should be made recyclable and at it's minimum. i am slowly getting used to people staring at me or thinking i am odd when i use my own rucksack or shopping bags in supermarkets here and in singapore...to me, the amount of plastics being churned out for our commercial activities is quite disconcerting... at home in singapore, we have accumulated more than enough plastics and bags from food-shopping... i know they are hiding under the kitchen sink's cupboard!!!... and i wonder if they will all be re-used... i suppose the inherent greediness of the human specie isn't very encouraging as we tend to buy, want, and accumulate more than we really need... and then waste on what is not consumed or used... c'mon people! do your part and cut down on unnecessary wastes and be mindful of how you dispose them!!!

Oi! it's not malu, i tell you!

(arrgh!!!!! i am so annoyed...lost my first draft... here we go again...)

i was reading an (Singaporean?) Eurasian's comment on making Singlish the 'lingua franca' of our society in the TODAY (a free newspaper) this morning. i suppose an Eurasian's view might actually be more effective than the locals' relentless use of Singlish -- essentially a creole formed from the mixing of various words from English, Chinese, Hokkien (a Chinese Dialect), Malay, and Tamil (an Indian Dialect, spoken by many local Indians) -- despite the government's fervent attempts in curbing its use for fear of it tainting our image; one of Singaporeans speaking 'broken' English and not 'proper' English (whatever 'proper' really means!).

for the commentator, Singlish has enabled him to better communicate with his Chinese mother-in-law, as well as in fitting into the local community, which has seen their first pidgin-speakers transforming their common understanding into a rich and unique creole. Singlish was, in those colonial days, a means of cross-cultural understanding, and an important communicative tool among the different ethnic groups made up of settlers from various parts of Asia arriving at what was once a British colony. it was perhaps used initially for the purpose of Barter trade among the settlers, and increasingly so as a means of communication in the latter days of ethnic integration, as implemented by the local government after British rule (in the earlier colonial times, the different ethnic groups were segregated in distinct Quartieres).

while Singlish may not sound as 'refined' as RP English, it has its own unique grammar (often with the 'verb-to-be' missing entirely in sentences) and vocabulary (go to Wikipedia for some examples and further info. and check out TalkingCock.com's Singlish lexicon) and the discernable flavourings; oi! huh? lah! hor? can-ah? ...already! ... is-it? (almost equivalent to the German 'oder?') ... , and word-repetitions. and ironically, while the local government does not appear to appreciate it fully, Singlish is increasingly becoming a hot research topic for Linguists abroad, who are particularaly interested in the code-switching amongst users and the grammatical as well as the syntactic structure of the dialect and how it continues to be modified by present speakers. moreover, to discourage the use of Singlish is almost akin to denying one's heritage, like disowning a part of oneself. while i do agree that it is important to be competent in English, Mandarin, Malay, Tamil or other official languages, Singlish is very much an identity unique to the typical Singaporean and can be seen as one of the few things that really glues, like the Rojak sauce, the disparate ingredients (the distinct ethnic differences) to make up the tasty salad.... and there is no other language i know of that makes me crack up like i do when i hear it. it's damn funny and entertaining! i only wish i knew more of it!

(singapore time - 10:28 hrs, weather - hazy)

happy coincidence?

today's the longest day of the year and today many centuries back, medieval and folk practices abound rejoicing the start of summer... today, i finished reading Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code", which mentioned some of the ideas of pagan rituals i have sometimes encountered or heard people talk about, that somehow became closely linked to Christianity. captivated within the 500-600 pages of cleverly crafted Crimi, absorbing interesting details i have never before known or interpretated as they have been meticulously woven (if they are true at all?! some apparently are), and my crazy imagination gone slightly over-loaded... i felt as though i have re-lived some bits of my life;...been into the Louvre (saw some of the world's amazing art pieces... admiring those pyramids), into Westminister Abbey (home to the graves of many dignitaries) and to the surroundings of Roslin... quite spooky. just yesterday, i watched Harry and Hermione (is that how her name is spelt?) re-living their adventures in "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban"... i wonder what i will feel when i eventually enter the Roslin Chapel... i have seen how intricate the exterior stone walls looked 2 saturdays ago... i have seen gargoyles of sorts before (e.g. in oxford, and in Gaudi's barcelona etc.)... i wonder what this special place has in store. many questions pertaining to bits mentioned in the book and related to religion whirr and swim in my head; many of them have always been there. is Dan Brown trying to hint at us not to take everything at face value and read between their lines? i can't wait to re-visit those mentioned places again... no i can't wait. these 3 places are very much linked to my experiences in bizarre ways: i first visited Westminister Abbey when i was about 14, with the school (DSD was also there! we were travel partners!); the Louvre entered my life journey during my inter-rail travels across europe with Sabine after finishing our IB -- i had been really excited about the pyramids; Roslin, of course, has been mentioned to me a few times whilst i have been in Edinburgh, but it is not until my supervisor - a nature lover, Dave, mentioned how beautiful the area is and the hype of Dan's book, did i go searching for it....these 3 little parts of my life seem to share some form of commonality... and i am not sure if i will see many things in the same light as i did. this world seems to be filled with hidded mysteries. .. and humans have a penchant for knowing.... and giving meaning to the inexplicable.

some things i dream of getting in the distant future....

i've been day-dreaming again: if i ever have enough money... that is if i get a proper job and save up lots... it'd be nice to have a lovely cosy place with a fun and wonderful kitchen and garden to call my own. however, that is at present very unrealistic and quite improbable. other things i dream about is a wee car, like a new mini, perhaps a silver one or a happy yellow.... why? well it's mini enough for mini me... but possibly because the core german bmw engine with the british 'cosmetics' appeal to my appreciation of german "vorsprungdurchtechnik" and the classic british 'retro' look of it... call it a 2-in-1 best of both worlds. that is yet another impossible-to-fulfill dream given my almost non-existent income. so my next dream is a totally cool reise und m?ller bike... like a practical foldable birdy which keeps me mobile and which is totally wicked! ...and is a bit more achievable... and while i am dreaming all these things i'll add some others to the list: another thing i'd love to have is a (grand--Steinway/B?sendorfer) piano... and someone who don't mind how awful i sound on the cello to play duets with me, and it'd be nice to have one of those quaint tigger-striped cellos...*dreams, oh impossible dreams*...someone please wack me and wake me up from my day-dreaming!

sunshine with a speckled mind

i just walked home from watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with Lucy and i am not quite sure if i really like it in terms of the way it was filmed -- those online-brain-scanning technology is rather annoyingly crude; Elijah Wood was behaving like a twat; and somehow the interleaving scenes did not seem to be held together enough.... yet, i do quite like the underlying themes....

Jim Carrey Joel wakes up to a new world erased of Clem... just as Clem has forgotten who he is.... they meet again, by coincidence on the same beach where they met for the very first time and fall in love with each other.... could it be that there is something basic that attracts them despite their supposedly 'erased' memories of each other? what triggered the desire to erase each from the other's memory in the first place?

the whole 'forgetting' process began when Clem returned late one night, drunk and looking pathetic and an annoyed Joel thoughtlessly said something regrettable igniting what was a slowly degenerating relationship into flames. the kind of incidents that provoked people's 'realisation' that they didn't really understand each other as they thought they did and decided that maybe they weren't suitable for each other.... so, perhaps it is better to erase the whole experience altogether. that's probably what many of us feel like when something awful happens... when we feel ashamed or when life didn't turn out the way we had imagined it should....no? wouldn't it be just great if we could wipe away all the mess and icky things about our lives so we can just live with the clean, happy, spotless history of our existence?.... perhaps... but simply erasing these specks of dirt from our memory do not seem to suffice.... Joel and Clem meet again and fall in love with each other, with the same people they supposedly wanted to forget.

script-writer Charlie Kaufman tries to suggest that the idea of having a 'spotless' mind could be a far cry...and perhaps there is something more basal. you do not just forget.... even if you really could... he plays with that idea of 'mind-maps'; that a lot of our memory is linked to an infinite number of things in infinite ways. it is the mind-map of associations involving Clem that we need to erase from Joel's memories. but in the process of such map-association deletion, Joel rediscovers his love for Clem and tries to hang on to those gradually diminishing Clem-related memories. in his desperate awareness, he realised that these 'mind-maps' are not made of 'fixed' mindless Pavlovian-bell-rings-dog-salivate-like associations. they are fluid and very malleable. how often do we find ourselves trying to recall incidents that we 'fill-in' bits that we aren't too sure of....or link it with other plausible events that may or may not have actually happened? Joel somehow discovers this loop-hole in the underlying Lacuna Inc. 'trade-craft' while he desperately tries to save Clem from being erased in his 'conscious' 'remembering' ... meanwhile Dr Howard Mierzwiak's team of 'memory-erasers' are getting distracted and loses Joel's Clem-associated-memory-map. a desperate situation develops which necessitates the master-minder's involvement in completing the whole 'forgetting' procedure.... Dr Howard Meirzwiak's appearance once again rekindled the adoration from his secretary, Mary, whom Stan, one of the eraser-team-member, fancied. Mary's (after being stoned) disinhibited revelation of her infatuation for Howard opened up a can of worms and multiple revelations unfold; for herself whose infatuation had once undergone a similar process of 'deletion', for Stan who had no knowledge of this past history, and subsequently for Clem and Joel, who were unwittingly made to face their once-discarded memories.

in the given second-chance, Joel realises that there is something that is so emotionally strong about his experiences with Clem which he didn't want to lose. his poignant utterance of "it's ok" to the Kate-Winslet-Clementine attempting yet another escape from being frustrated with the inevitable mundane-ness that surfaces in a relationship every-so-often, the ugliness in each of us, the boring hermit we sometimes become etc. was what struck a chord. it is when we confront these different sides of ourselves and others that we come to terms with those spots of specks that make us who we are.... perhaps the very essence we can't erase....

Charlie Kaufman could very well also have been inspired by LeDoux's 'Emotional Brain' (or similar ideas by other Emotion-researchers e.g. Damasio)... and got to the last pages where an 'ancient brain map' laid bare in words from one of the researchers in the field....see, much of what we now appreciate as the spongey blob of white-matter called the cerebral cortex is actually quite 'new' and anatomically termed the neo-cortex (it is what very much distinguishes us from other non-human primates apparently).... what lies beneath is the primitive brain and its circuitry that is also shared, in very similar ways, by many mammalian species. there are basal pathways through which some memories are believed to be resistant to 'forgetting'. ..... the 'mind-maps' metaphors can be appreciated as synonymous for the 'neo-cortically-linked-cognitive' memories -- memories that one is usually quite conscious of and can be quite easily describe or even manipulate, while those indescr